Friday, 13 September 2013

Friday Night Failure

You're going to judge me hard, I know, but yesterday I failed. Sort of. I'm still a vegan though, I might add.

Last night I had the amazeballs idea that I would make a vegan dessert. It would be the vegan dessert to end all vegan desserts which, actually in my experience don't really count as food. Let alone dessert. Please indulge me now in a brief anecdote about the last time I decided to be vegan for my health. Because that time went something like this:

I also decided to make an amazeballs-sounding vegan dessert. It would be chocolatey and rich and oh so vegan, thus allowing me to prove to all of my detractors that giving up my favourites: dairy and solid animals fats, need not be the end of things. And just as a side note, I'd been drinking soy milk daily for years.

Exhibit A in my case against vegan dessert: soy yoghurt.

I don't actually believe that soy yoghurt should be classed as a food. In fact, in doing some reading on it recently, there's so little of the good stuff in soy left in it that it's pretty hard to find anything that's not genetically modified in it. (True story: in Japan they do not eat soy yoghurt). But I thought, chuck a bit of vanilla in it, buy some kick ass cacao and add a bit of geletin, and I can call it mousse.

Exhibit B: about 15 years ago I did the same thing, except with vanilla Fruche, and it WAS amazing.

Now, members of the jury (get used to my tenuous use of metaphor) please let me lead you to my conclusion. What followed was so inedible, but had taken up so much time and excitement, I left it in the fridge to remind me of my failures and I pretty much became so disillusioned by mould's inability to grow on my disgusting creation that I gave up being a vegan.

This time was a little different. I was sure that avocado - one of my fave foods - and cacao and chilli and a bit of melted, dairy free chocolate (brand not supplied. And probably not relevant) would make the dessert everyone on the vegan feeds has been raving about. And maybe it would have. But the thing is, I have a slightly different problem.

Hi. My name is Kitty Mo, and I'm a chocoholic.

That dairy free - leading brand - chocolate, even though it tasted like mud with cocoa powder in it, disappeared faster than I could add it to the avocado. Actually, I didn't crack those babies open, it was all chocolate, proving that I would, in fact, eat mud if I held the belief that there was chocolate in it. It was even gritty - I'm pretty sure the secret ingredient is dirt mixed with fetid water, people. Just saying.

So, chocolate fail. I ate the whole block. I didn't even like it, and I won't be buying dairy free products that are meant - ordained by god - to have dairy in them EVER. AGAIN. AMEN.

Let's not let the fact that I'm an atheist get in the way of a good vow. Now, a breakfast of chickpea and zucchini fritters looks amazing!!

(On a completely irrelevant note, but because I love turtles. And Microsoft Paint. Here is a turtle doing a ... something. Plee-ay phonetically!!!)

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